"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Pied Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch

It so dull around here.  All I can do is start another story because, Goat knows, there's certainly nothing else exciting happening.  Anyway  ...

Long ago there lived an old woman who was overweight.  The old woman was really named The Creature Formerly Known As Goatmother.  'GM'.  (This is not to be confused with the auto maker.  They've been around a lot longer and they actually understand engineer stuff.  The Goatmother just lives with one.  She does not possess 'The Knack'.)  Anyway, 'GM' was formerly known as The Creature Formerly Known As Goatmother because now she had come to be known as The Pied Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch.  There is a reason for this.  Really.  I know you are doubtful, but the fact of the matter remains that the old woman had, in a momentary fit of healthfulness, decided to join Weight Watchers.  As a result, she had become but a pinch-faced shadow of her former self.  This was not, however, due to any loss of weight, as you might have supposed.  Instead  it was due to an incessant calculation of points.  Points allowed, points consumed, points left to consume, points you darn sure better not consume, and points resulting in an instant and fully guaranteed gain of ten or more pounds in one sitting.  Day after day was spent in furrow-browed concentration.  Wrinkles were beginning to form. 

So, then.  This explains the 'Point-Pincher' part of the sobriquet, and the 'HalfAsMuch' part is pretty obvious since she was getting only half as much to eat as she used to.  But what about the 'Pied' part?  Well, that part denotes a bit of a departure from proper Weight Watcher decorum.  You see, at one time 'GM' had a momentary lapse and actually 'fell off the wagon', as it were.   She sneaked a piece of pie.  It wasn't counted, but it wasn't really necessary since, in her haste to down the thing before anyone saw her, half of it missed her mouth completely and went sliding down her front.  Almost as  good as the Scarlet Letter, if you ask me.  At any rate, that is how she became the 'Pied' Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch.  Shameful   Just shameful.

Now it happened that a small band of quiet, orderly, lovable, angelic, and peace-loving goats were living on a picturesque farm in a beautiful, albeit rainy, land.  They had a lovely barn to dwell in, warm hay and an ample supply of Peanuts.  Near the lovely barn was a nice pond.  Unfortunately the pond had become literally infested with and overrun by ducks.  Quacking  could be heard all hours of  the night and day destroying the peaceful atmosphere.  Grass no longer grew in the wake of hundreds of webbed feet.  No one could walk even a few steps without stepping in rejectamenta.  In fact, there were regiments of rejectamenta.  No one and nothing was safe.  All harmony was utterly lost. 

The goats had begun to lose all hope of regaining accord when there appeared an old woman dressed in baggy clothes.  She stood and looked about, then approached the exceedingly intelligent leader of the band, who was a beautiful and elegant black and white goat with chic tan facial stripes and modestly sporty, yet tasteful,  airplane-like ears.  (A tall and pushy Alpine had first tried to pass herself off as leader, then a rather Rubenesque Nubian [a BBW, if you will].  However, the old woman recognized where the real intelligence was right off.)  "I see you have quite a few ducks here.", said the old woman.  "Likely I could help you with that for I am ... (pause for dramatic affect) ... the Duck Whisperer"  And this is how 'GM' came to be known as 'DW'.  What is worse, since there were something on the order of 40,000 ducks in this hamlet, 'DW' soon became known as 'DW-40' as she went about 'freeing up' the space.

So 'DW-40' agreed to rid the place of ducks, and the goats agreed to pay her.  By now you are probably wondering just how 'DW-40' managed this task.  I can only tell you this:  corn.  Cracked corn, to be exact.  In essence, 'GM' was offering those ducks 'GM' (genetically modified) corn.  Since no one knows the long term effects of 'GM' crops, we can only surmise that the disappearance of the ducks occurred under mysterious and sinister circumstances  likely funded by multi-billion dollar monopolies.  Or perhaps the APA (Anatadaephobics Anonymous).  But disappear they did.  And what did The Creature Formerly Known As Goatmother, a/k/a 'GM', a/k/a The Pied Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch, a/k/a 'DW', a/k/a 'DW-40' ask for in return?  A Cheeseburger.  One Cheeseburger.  With onions.  No calories.  Count free.  With Onion Rings.  Count free Onion Rings.  With Ketchup.  The goats offered to pay her in precious Peanuts, but she would have none of it.  She wanted a Cheeseburger.  With onions.  And Onion Rings.  And Ketchup.  There is something wrong with this. 

I suppose it all came out right in the end, but in my opinion one should never trust anyone with that many aliases.  And besides, what kind of idiot turns down Peanuts for a Cheeseburger?  Well, it is just a story.  Still, what did happen to those ducks?  Wait.  What is that?  Do you hear quacking?


20 comments:

"Auntie" sezzzzzz... said...

Oh sigh...... All that counting of Points, would give anyone wrinkles. -sigh-

Buck up!!!!!!!

Next time, the pie may not slip and just decorate the front of the dress. Like the Scarlet Letter. lol.

-ducking, running and hiding-

Marigold said...

Dear Auntie,
You said it; I didn't. She's aiming for you. :)

Faith said...

I too would choose a cheeseburger and one of those vanilla thick shakes.....actually as I type I am eating peanuts marigold, but these ones are BBQ coated so probably not the ones you like, but peanuts all the same!

Marigold said...

Dear Faith,
BarBQue coated? Really? I think I would LOVE them! I think I shall have to put the Goatmother on a quest to find some for me. The exercise will do her good. :)

J (shaking her head) said...

Dear Marigold:

Watson contacted me and asked me to pass along the following information.

How to eradicate duck problem:

1. Lure ducks to large barn with cracked corn. While the feathery friends are occupied, close all doors and secure any exits points.

2. One by one, sew beaks and rear-ends closed. Nothing goes in and nothing comes out.

3. Leave barn and call clean-up service in a week or so.

How to eradicate the point/wrinkle problem.

1. Lure PPM HAM formerly known as Goatmother to large barn with point-free cheeseburgers, onion rings, pie and ketchup. When the brain is starving, one will believe ANYTHING.

2. While misses lean machine is occupied, close all doors and secure any exits points.

3. Pay Goatfather a million plus upfront to sew beak and rear-end cause you KNOW that man is going to take a beating. Hopefully, he will live to tell the tale from some far off tropical paradise. If not, his life was well spent.

4. Leave barn and burn to the ground in a week or so. No evidence, no crime.

Please bear in mind these are Watson's ideas and not yours' truly. Proceed at your own risk.

Sometimes I think Watson needs professional help. Seriously.

Marigold said...

Dear J,
Watson PAID me and asked me to pass along this information.

1. It is just a story.
2. You watch far too many soap operas
3. You are a sick woman

Go make some tea.

denise f said...

That is, indeed, a horror story! I may not be able to sleep tonight, worrying about points and not being able to eat! *is wrining her hands*

Marigold said...

Dear Denise,
Bonjour! Go have a Cheeseburger and you will feel much better. Or perhaps a Peanut. Or two. A jar?

Millie said...

Oh, I hope the ducks found a nice new pond.

Marigold said...

Dear Millie
Of course they did because this is a *nice* story. And they lived happily ever after and didn't sludge up the new pond like our ducks do. :)

Mrs. Micawber said...

What? No chocolate shake? I would have held out for a cheeseburger (actually, a mushroom Swiss burger), fries, AND a chocolate shake. Made with chocolate ice cream and extra chocolate syrup.

Where is the disclaimer that "no ducks were harmed in the writing of this story"? TCFKAGM/GM/DW/DW40 had better be on the alert - the ASPCD may come hammering on her door at any moment.

Marigold said...

Dear Mrs. Micawber,
I know. It is disgusting that all our character would want is a Cheeseburger and Onion Rings. Where is the dignity, I ask you, in a Cheeseburger and Onion Rings?

We don't need 'no stinking' disclaimer, by the way, because
1) As I told 'J', this is only a work of fiction ... and
2) Don't you hear the quacking? If there is quacking, the quackers, as well as the quackees, are most certainly alive and well. Thus, no disclaimer needed.

Mimi Foxmorton said...

At least the goats got to keep the peanuts....which, if you think about it, is the most important thing of all! ;)

PEZ collection? Huzzah!
Eons ago, in my children's theatre class my superhero character became Pez Woman. The kids bought me tons and tons of Pez over the years. They called it my Retirement Fund. But it was all in the last 20 years so I doubt I have any of the 'good' ones. Sigh....when I think of how many went the way of the Lost from my childhood........... lol

pss. LOL at J! :)

Marigold said...

Dear MiMi,
You are quite right about the Peanuts. However, don't encourage J. Besides, I think she is busy making tea.

Snowcatcher said...

I'll comment when I get done rolling on the floor with laughter.

Seriously, the points thing really had me going. They do the WW thing at my work, and those obsessive pointers do wrack up the wrinkles in their quest!

Marigold said...

Dear Snowcatcher,
Well, I tried to tell the Goatmother that if everyone would ride 60 miles on their bikes, like you do, they wouldn't have to crunch points. On the other hand, all those wrinkles are keeping the face cream people in business, so I guess there is good and bad in everything. Yes?

Buffybelle said...

It's wonderful that the Goatmother is sticking to the points but bottom line it is the 'miles' like how many miles of blood vessels per pound of fat is lost so Goatmother has now lost 750 miles of blood vessels that her heart would have had to bother pumping blood through, but it could be up to 300 miles of blood vessels per pound. BLUK on all the cheeseburgers, fries, cakes, pies. LONG LIVE THE GOATMOTHER! Goatmom is down 35 lbs. now. She's going for it, I'm proud of her.

Marigold said...

Dear BuffyBelle,
Is that true about the blood vessels? Weird. And second, really? Your Goatmom is a point-pincher as well? The Goatmother is beside herself with excitement! How cool is that? 35 pounds? You GO GOATMOM!!!!! Ah, the power of a kindred soul.

Buffybelle said...

Goatmom is doing low carb and limiting to 1200 cals. a day for a few months now. She isn't snoring anymore, but if I don't watch it I will be.

Marigold said...

Dear BuffyBelle,
Cool! WW's new program now takes carbs into account, so it is basically low carb now. Actually does a body good.:) We need to put Boo on it. :)