The Sequim Stealth Elk

Ah, a pastoral scene. A herd of Roosevelt elk lazing in the sun. Pastoral and not so strange, really, until one realizes that these are not ordinary elk. No, indeed. These are the Sequim Stealth Elk. Now why would they be called 'Stealth' Elk, you ask? Well, that is a bit of a story.


You see, Sequim has its own elk herd. Kind of nice except for the fact that the elk have discovered they like eating organically grown vegetables much better than any silly old native browse. I guess one could liken it to a herd of Marigolds that suddenly figured out there were fields of Peanuts to be had where before there was only Salal and Blackberries. While Salal and Blackberries are good in their way, they could not possibly compare with a Peanut. You get the picture.

Anyway, the elk have been the subject of much local controversy. What to do with the elk? Move them? Fence them? What? Well, no one has yet come up with a viable plan and so the elk have 'watchers' - people who, night and day, watch where the elk are going and what they are planning to eat.

Perhaps by now you are wondering why I called them 'Stealth' Elk. First of all, you need to know that there are flashing lights on the highway activated by radio collars worn by the elk. Well, not all of them, of course, but some members. In this way, when the elk are within one quarter mile of the highway, motorists can be alerted that they may be planning to cross the road. Unlike the chicken, when an Elk decides it wants to cross the road, my friends, there is very little that can convince it otherwise. Just imagine being in the way when seventy-five Boos decide to come in for dinner. It would not be a pretty sight, I can tell you.

Anyway, with all this controversy, articles in the paper, radio collars and flashing lights, the goatmother and goatfather had lived here three entire years before they ever caught a glimpse of the Sequim Stealth Elk. In fact, one day they were in a shop and the subject of the elk came up. The goatmother and goatfather said, 'Yes, about those elk. Where are they? We've never seen them. We've seen the lights flashing, but we've never seen the elk.' To which the shop owner replied, 'Oh, you mean the Sequim Stealth Elk?' Uh-huh.

As a matter of fact, there have been countless times that the goatmother and goatfather have approached the light which flashes on, then flashes off, then flashes on, then flashes off. This has led the goatmother to theorize that the elk with the collar stands on the line leaning one way and then the other, laughing uproariously all the while. Who knows? Seems like something I'd do if I had a spiffy radio collar.

Anyway, in the last few weeks, after living here now for six entire years, the goatmother and goatfather have actually seen the Sequim Stealth Elk several times in a row. No one knows why, but why look a gift Stealth Elk in the mouth, right?

So here they are, resplendent in some one's front yard and trying their very best to blend in with the environment. Oy.

'Hey! You in back with the horns. Heads down before somebody notices we aren't gnomes.'
Elk humor. Oy.