True Confessions 3

My name is Marigold and I am a Biteaholic. You may remember back in 2007 I became a member of the MBA (Myotonic Butters Anonymous), at which time I embarked on a 12-step program designed to enable me to overcome my addiction to butting . (In case you have forgotten, you can refresh your sad little memory here. ) Anyway, through diligent effort on my part, I managed to gain control over that aspect of my character only to have it resurface in a new and inventive form. Oy.

So, without further ado, I hereby enter into, and put forth, yet another 12-step program as follows:

1. I admit I am quite powerless over my addiction, and my life has become unmanageable. (At least according to some. Actually I kind of enjoy the feeling of power. What's unmanageable about that, I ask you?)

2. I have come to believe that a Peanu...err...power, POWER greater than myself could restore me to sanity. (Well, I suppose it could, but I'm not entirely convinced it is all that likely.)

3. I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the goatmother as I understand her. (Of course no one really understands the goatmother. Come to think of it, maybe No. 3 isn't all that wise a decision after all.)

4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. (Okay, how does one inventory one's self? One. I count one. One Marigold. Better to inventory the Peanuts.)

5. I admit to the goatmother, to myself, and to the world at large, the exact nature of my wrongs. (Although, come to think of it, how many 'wrongs' do I really have? I mean biting isn't all that objectionable in the grand scheme of things, and really I'm right more often than I'm wrong. Everybody knows that.)

6. I am entirely ready to have the goatmother remove all my defects of character. (Now hold on just a goat-gone minute here! Dr. Freud the goatmother ain't, and I'm not entirely sure I want her dancing around in my head removing anything.)

7. I humbly ask the Great Goat God, Pan, to remove my shortcomings. (Okay. That's better than the goatmother, but really, I am quite short enough as it is. Ella could stand to lose a few inches though).

8. I made a list of all goats I have harmed, and have become willing to make amends to them all. (Okay. I'm willing to let Watson and Peanut have every third Peanut and part of the hay, but that's really pushing the envelope. Really it is.)

9. I have made direct amends to such goats wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (Now, look. I already said they could have every third Peanut and part of the hay. Come to think of it, every third Peanut doesn't really leave me an adequate supply so I believe I need to change that to every fourth Peanut. Besides, cutting a few calories ought to be good for them. I'm an altruist if nothing else.)

10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong, promptly admit it. ( Okay. I'm wrong. I think every fifth Peanut is better. Yes, every fifth.)

11. I seek, through prayer and meditation, to improve my conscious contact with The Great Peanut God In The Sky as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. (First of all, everyone knows how much time I spend meditating. How else could I come up with all this wisdom? Plus, I think His will for me is maybe to have the boys get only every sixth Peanut. I've been praying about this. Yes, every sixth Peanut. I'm sure.)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I am trying to carry this message to other addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs. (Yes. Spiritually I am quite awake now, and I've been trying to convince anyone who will listen that every sixth Peanut for the boys is The Way to spiritual fulfillment. Plus, I've been trying to convert Ella because Heaven knows she needs it more than anyone. Come to think of it, if Ella is involved, maybe we better make that every seventh Peanut for the boys. Quite right - every seventh Peanut it is.)

So you see, my friends, I am a changed goat. "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve themselves." - Anne Frank.