"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Collapsed Case

Allow me to tell you a tale. Or is it a tail? I can never be sure. Anyway, one bright and sunny day, Sedgewick Snake (for you see he was of English descent and his mother named him aptly so) was slithering lazily along. He was quite enjoying the sun for in these parts, sunshine can be a treasured commodity. Sedgewick spied movement in the grass and was elated to think he had come upon a particularly delectable morsel. But Sedgewick was, instead, suddenly snatched up. The world became dark and the quarters quite close. So close, in fact, that Sedgewick found it difficult to breathe. Then the world faded into comforting blackness. Sedgewick came to and saw a tunnel. Mind you the tunnel was rather thin, but that didn't seem to present any kind of an obstacle to a snake. At the end of the tunnel was a beautiful light. Sedgewick went forward - into the light.

Enter the goatmother. She looks about, cleaning up the barn, and spies something odd lying in the hay. 'What is this?', queries the goatmother. Upon closer inspection it appears to be a snake, but not just any snake. Oh, no. This snake is of the flat variety. Very flat. Flatter than a pancake, as a matter of fact. This snake was so flat you could have ... Oh, never mind. Take my word for it. That snake was FLAT. Oddly enough, however, he was sort of laid out in a nice 'S' shape. Almost like he'd been slithering along and Pompeii happened. It was very odd indeed.

So the goatmother thought, 'Huh...' and put the snake in her cleaning up bucket thinking tomorrow morning she would take a picture of the flat snake. That was what she thought, but everyone knows that intentions are only as good as chance allows them to be, right? So in the morning, the goatmother came out with the camera. She grabbed up the bucket of , ahem, goat gifts and hay, expecting to fish out the flat snake and help him make his mark on notoriety. But you know what? The flat snake was gone. Pffhttt! The goatmother actually pawed through that bucket of goat fertilizer-supreme and came up literally empty handed. She even took the bucket out, dumped it on the ground, and sifted through the contents. Ewwwwwww.

Enter moi, Marigold Holmes and my ever faithful sidekick (maybe that should be headbutt) Watson. A mystery afoot to be sure! Who? I ask you WHO would be so bold (not to mention so stupid) as to steal a flat snake from a bucket of goat gold in the dead of night? It is simply unconscionable. (Is that really a word?) Nevertheless, we shall investigate. I can not think that those stupid mice in the barn took it. It was large enough it would have taken at least three to carry it. And why would they want it in the first place? No, it is a mystery to be sure.


At any rate, you were going to be presented with a lovely picture of the flat snake. Now, I'm afraid all you will get is what you see above: a somewhat boring picture of the goatmother's red cleaning bucket. We may never know why some demented soul would choose to pinch a flat snake in the dead of night. We can only surmise that they needed it - for God knows what, but they needed it nonetheless. Perhaps they were really hungry. If that is the case, maybe our flat snake is somewhere being noshed in the manner of a jerky snack. Kind of like when you are driving and come upon those roadside stands announcing, 'Elk Jerky! Buffalo Jerky! 50 Feet Ahead!!!' 'Flat Snake Jerky, Here!!! Last Chance!!!!' I wonder if it tastes like chicken?

5 comments:

Kelly said...

Marigold, now that is strange. Maybe the snake reanimated itself and took off because he was camera shy. You never know. He may have been looking for peanuts. Watch your peanut stash. He may come back one night. ;)

Lisa T. said...

The only good snake is a flat snake or a headless snake, dead-I mean-the only good snake is a dead snake.

Mimi Foxmorton said...

Maybe it was like Flat Stanley and is off having his picture taken in exotic places........
;)

Claire the Shepherdess said...

Oh Marigold, I am laughing uproariously at this post. Flat snake is definitely a highly sought after commodity. The word got out that you had one. Incidentally, I go offline for 3 weeks (without consent, of course) and suddenly your blog is all changey and different looking and I thought I might be in the wrong place! You confused me so! But, now it's OK, I like it.

Marigold said...

Dear Claire,
Explanation for the 'changing of the guard', so to speak, is in the most recent 'Wednesday Words of Wisdom'. I know. I don't like change either, but I'm getting used to it. I think.