Once upon a time ... (What does that mean, anyway? How does one do anything 'upon' a time? I suppose if you get upon a time once, you certainly might not want to do it again.) Anyway, once upon a time there lived an extremely intelligent and lovely young goat named Goatilocks. She was black and white and had marvelous and stylish brown stripes on her face and legs. She had wattles too. How stylish is that? So one day Goatilocks decided she needed to take a basket of Peanuts to her sainted and elderly grandmother who lived a couple of farms over. GrannyGoat didn't get out much. She was a Nubian and likely forgot where the door was. Or maybe what day it was. Come to think of it, she might have forgotten she was actually a goat, but then I suppose that is really irrelevant to the story.
Anyhow, Goatilocks donned her fashion-forward red coat, and set out on a beautiful morning, basket in hoof. Now in order to reach GrannyGoat's farm, Goatilocks had to pass through the woods. In fact, she had to pass through a couple of woods. (This was necessary in order to make the story come out right.) She even had to trot across a cute little wooden bridge over a quaint little river. It was the perfect day to make such a picturesque jaunt.
Now it happened, that deep in the forest lived Three Bores, Deadly Bore, Mammoth Bore and Alittle Bore. Deadly was the leader of the group and was aptly named because anytime he began waxing poetic about things like politics, peoples' eyes began glazing over and they were soon overcome by a lethal dose of ostentatious opinionated postulation and speculation, a/k/a the dreaded OOPS. Mammoth Bore was so named for the simple reason that she was, well, rather a large Bore. She was nice enough, but everywhere she went people would look her in the eye and say things like, "Wow. You are a big Bore, aren't you?" Alittle Bore was the smallest of the Bores. He didn't have a very long attention span, so he tended to skip around a lot when he talked. He would say things like, "Hey! Look over there at the ... My goodness! I can't believe that it is going to ... This is such a delicious ... Is that your real hair color?" People tended to get a little tired of trying to figure out what he was actually trying to say.
Now on this particular fated day, The Three Bores decided to go out for a walk in the woods. Deadly thought he would look for someone new to proselytize, Mammoth thought she needed some elbow room, and Alittle thought he saw a chicken crossing the road. (What?! You never saw a chicken in the woods?). Besides Mammoth had fixed a, well, mammoth breakfast, and it was much too hot to eat right away. It needed time to cool. So, out the door they went, over the river and through the woods.
In the meantime, Goatilocks had been hopping through the forest, scooping up all the field mice and bopping them on the head. (Oh. Wait. I think that was The Hoppit.) Anyway, soon she came upon (there's that word again) the house of the Three Bores. She was awfully tired and hungry, and those Peanuts were starting to look so very tempting, and it would never do to reach GrannyGoat's with an empty basket. So Goatilocks knocked at the door, but of course, no one answered because the Three Bores had gone out. Soon Goatilocks decided to try the door, and since this is a fantasy, the door was unlocked. She poked her charming head in the door and called out, "Is anyone at home? May I come in?" Since no one answered, and knowing full well that silence presumes consent, she shrugged her delicate shoulders and went on in.
The first thing she saw was, of course, breakfast set out on the table. It is such a shame to waste food, so she went to the first plate and tasted it. Oh! Way too hot. Next she tried the middle plate. Yuck! Too cold. So she tried the third plate and, wouldn't you know it, it was just right. She consumed the entire repast.
By this time, Goatilocks was very tired, so she burped daintily and went upstairs to look for a place to take a twenty-two and a half minute nap. First she came to a really big bed and tried it, but it had campaign stickers all over it. And though it looked promising, she just didn't want to make an OOPS. So she went on to the next bed. This bed sagged in the middle. Oy. At last Goatilocks came to a small bed that seemed just right and she lay down and fell fast asleep. (Or was it that she lay down and fell asleep fast?).
As luck would have it, the Three Bores chose this time to return from their constitutional. Deadly walked in, looked at his plate and said, "Somebody has had their fingers in my pie!" Mammoth looked and cried, "And somebody has tasted my breakfast! I better check my Dove bars!" Alittle looked at his plate and announced, "Somebody ... Oh, look! My chair is bro... My breakfast is all go ... Out the window! There goes that chicken!!!!!"
(Please stay tuned for Part II of Goatilocks and the Three Bores. Unless, of course, you are bored, in which case, you shall be forced to join the Three Bores, which will subsequently become the Four or More Bores, and you will absolutely ruin the whole story. So stay tuned.)