"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Dinner and a Dance


I gave up on the goatmother as a possible dance partner a looooong time ago. It just wasn't happening. She's nice and her Peanuts are good, but when it came to tripping the light fantastic, things ultimately seemed to end up stagnating in the 'tripping' pool. This didn't leave me with too many options, but after a LOT of groveling and begging (not by me) , I decided to give Boo a try. Now remember Boo is a Nubian. Of course I would be the very last one to say anything derogatory, but that fact just didn't bode well for the outcome. Still, I'm a non-prejudiced, equal-opportunity, hire-the-handicapped kind of goat, so what the hay?

The first problem is, well, a little embarrassing. Boo has had a few too many Peanuts. This does not make her light on her feet. In fact, it doesn't make her light on anyone's feet (which is probably actually where she is bound to end up). So I tried and tried to teach her the moves and how to keep pace. Let's face it. She just ain't got no rhythm. Black goats can't jump.

So when practice time comes around (which is always best at feeding time since that scenario offers the most incentive for Boo) here is what happens. The goatmother steps through the gate with the feed buckets in one hand and reaches back across the gate to latch it before proceeding. At this point what is supposed to happen is that I gracefully jump to the side and Boo is supposed to jump to the other side. We are then supposed to meet in a graceful bow, pirouette, and come to rest on opposite sides.

This is what really happens: The goatmother steps through the gate with the feed buckets in one hand and indeed reaches back across the gate to latch it. I gracefully jump to the side preparing to move smoothly and gracefully ahead. At this point, Boo, forgetting all decorum and overtaken by glutinous fervor, runs head-first into the back of the goatmother, butting her forward directly into the path of my, by then, pirouette, at which time Ella gets into the act and hits the goatmother head-long from the other side. Boo then waddles quickly (if one can indeed waddle quickly) in a large circle across the back half of the barn, clomping loudly and ungracefully over the wooden pallet, and intercepts the flying goatmother knocking her into yet a third flying-camel. The goatmother recovers, all the while spewing epithets and casting aspersions on Boo's character, finally making it to the rail to deposit the buckets.

Something tells me I have a LOT more work to do here. I believe Boo, in true Nubian style, has things a bit confused. We are attempting Ball Room dancing, not Ball Room brawling, for Goat's Sake! They say that if you have a dream you must reach for the stars. At this rate those 'stars' (Dancing With the Stars) are just getting further and further out of reach. Where is John Travolta when you need him, Eh?

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