"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Lord of the Wings - The Return of the Thing

I know you have all been anxiously awaiting the third, and final, installment of the Lord of the Wings trilogy.  And, I would feel just horrible if I thought I was actually responsible for anyone's bated breath.  So, Hi-Ho Silver!, and on with the story!

Finally having reached the Highly UnWhite Gate, entrance to MoorDoors, Frodigold, WatWise and the creature, Goatmother, realized that it was far too heavily guarded by the repulsive and ravenous Urduck-hai.  So the creature, Goatmother, informed the pair that she knew of a secret entrance.  In reality, the tricksy Goatmother planned to lead Frodigold to Fluffy, a beastly giant Woolly Booger whose penchant was to feed on the fluids of its prey, mostly incompetent weathermen.  Once Frodigold had been dispatched and WatWise had fainted from fright, the cherrr-ishhh-ed would again be hers.  In the meantime, the eye of Ellaron searched unceasingly for THE ONE PEANUT. (Probably both eyes searched, but with an evil Alpine, who can tell.)

It came to pass after the fall of HerdnGuard, that a lone Nigerian, having traveled and fought alongside  BooBeard and the band of itinerant Nubians, came forward to claim that Frodigold and WatWise GoshOgee could only be successful in their quest if the eye of Ellaron was drawn away from its relentless search for THE ONE PEANUT.  The Nigerian's name was PeanutsRGorn, and he was actually the one true heir to the throne of Equidistant-Earth.  Why any intelligent Nigerian, let alone an aristocrat, should heretofore have been traveling with a band of itinerant Nubians, no one could say.  But Cabrarwen UnderFoot and Goatfather, the Grey, were mightily impressed by his prowess, for single-headedly he had butted back many of the fierce Urduck-hai.  So it was decided that Cabrarwen, Goatfather, the Grey, PeanutsRGorn, BooBeard, the band of itinerant Nubians, and anyone else remaining unscathed by the efforts of Ellaron and her minions, would march on the Highly UnWhite Gate.

Meanwhile, Frodigold, WatWise and the creature, Goatmother, had reached the secret entrance.  The Goatmother pointed to the entrance and pushed Frodigold forward.  Suddenly Fluffy appeared.  But the Goatmother got more than she bargained for because WatWise was made of sterner stuff than she had anticipated.  Years of fainting had given him the muscles of Atlas and he stilted forth ramming his head into Fluffy.  Fluffy was not killed (rated G for 'general' audiences), but ran away to Florida where the weather is much more predictable.  Frodigold was saved by the courage of her friend.  The creature, Goatmother, realizing she was now in deep goat berries, skulked away silently into the shadows.  Having lost their guide, Frodigold and WatWise were now on their own and the weight of THE PEANUT grew ever more burdensome.  Still they struggled on, and soon the depths of the barn at MoorDoors lay within their reach.

Back at the Highly UnWhite gate, a battle was about to begin.  Seeing his former friends in peril, Quinnurman, the Brown and White, threw aside his allegiance to the Dark Lord Ellaron, and joined the fray.  The eye of Ellaron swung to the gate and the repulsive host of Urduck-hai were ordered forward.

Unbeknownst to anyone, PeanutsRGorn had fulfilled an age-old prophecy by entering the Quacks of Doom and calling forth a ghostly army of ducks ( ancestors of the loathsome Urduck-hai ) who had long ago run, flapping and quacking, from battle.  As a result, they had been cursed to remain in the Quacks until such time as their oaths had been fulfilled.  As heir to the throne of Equidistant-Earth, PeanutsRGorn called them forth to fight.

"Will you fight for the heir?!!!"
" < silence > "
"Will.  You. Fight???!!!!!  What say you???!!!!!"
" Quack! "

By now (Isn't this exciting?), THE ONE PEANUT had taken control of Frodigold.

"It is mine!, my cherrr-ishhh-ed!"

Suddenly the creature, Goatmother, appeared from the gloom and jumped on Frodigold.

"Noooooo!  The cherrr-ishhh-ed is MINE!!!"

They fought.  The creature, Goatmother, grabbed THE PEANUT, tripped (Because she always was such a klutz.), and fell into the abyss that was the barn at MoorDoors.

All that was Ellaron disappeared with the destruction of THE ONE PEANUT.  PeanutsRGorn was crowned and took the throne, which looked strangely like a gold-encrusted and bejeweled hoof-trimming stand.  Cabrarwen and Quinnurman got together because they had always really liked each other, and Cabrarwen had been absolutely devastated when Quinnurman had gone to the dark side.  BooBeard and the herd of itinerant Nubians wandered off wondering what had really happened, where they were going, and what they were going to do when they go to where they didn't know they were going.  The ghostly ducks from the Quacks of Doom, were released from their oaths and wandered back to the pond to begin eating ghostly corn - which in the long run was a lot cheaper.  WatWise GoshOgee returned to the pasture, a hero in every sense of the word, and set about writing his memoirs.  But Frodigold - Frodigold was forever changed, wounded inwardly, beyond repair, by the weight she had borne.  In the end, she sailed west, over the fence, to the Green Havens filled with alfalfa.  And, in case you were wondering, Goatfather, the Grey,  formed a startup computer business and lived to a ripe old age, in front of his computer, until he became Goatfather, the White and could type no more.

Finis.

20 comments:

Mrs. Micawber said...

Sniff. I'm so sorry it's over. Can we have it again? And will you write pages and pages of appendices so we can get the backstories of some of the characters, and extend the reading pleasure a bit longer?

(By the way, I see you've managed to work in your favourite bit of dialogue from that rather obscure movie which shares some points of resemblance with your story.)

"Quacks of Doom" - hilarious. Also the Woolly Booger. And I can just picture the Urduck-hai firing their crossbows.

Shall you tackle The Hobbit next? (You don't happen to have rabbits, do you?)

Faith said...

Horrah for Frodigold! Thank goodness. I know what happens I've been sitting on the edge of my seat the whole week!

"Auntie" sezzzzzz... said...

-longggggggggggggggg exhale-

WOW!!!!!!!!!

I'm all tired out, and it's only morning. Eeeeek! What did you do to me "Marigold"? -sigh- I may have to go take a mid-morning nap now.

Well, if I do, I shall blame it all on YOU!

-grin-

"Stories never really end…even if the books like to pretend they do.
Stories always go on. They don’t end on the last page, any more than they begin on the first page."

- Cornelia Funke (Inkspell)

Marigold said...

Dear Mrs. Micawber,
I am so glad you enjoyed it, particularly since you were responsible for its inception. I am so exhausted, however, and the Goatmother said I have been spending entirely too much time on the computer and eating way too many Peanuts. But what does she know?

Marigold said...

Dear Faith,
Okay, then, you can sit back and experience the rest of your chair now. It is true. That Frodigold is an endearing character, isn't she?

Marigold said...

Dear Auntie,
Go take a nap. Just as long as you realize that, according to the quote on your comment, it may mean you'll need the naps often.

Millie said...

This is quite the tale you've told. I'm excitedly waiting for the movie version that I can enjoy while munching on warm peanuts.

Marigold said...

Dear Millie,
Warm Peanuts ... mmmmmmmmmm.

Marigold said...

Dear Mrs. Micawber,
Oh, and rabbits ... you man Hoppits?

Mrs. Micawber said...

Ooh, good one! Who will play the dwarves?

(I've created a monster.)

Marigold said...

Dear Mrs. Micawber,
Snicker ... I'm not actually acquainted with any real Hoppits. Although, come to think of it, there was one .... Hmmm... I might have to go to my stump and ponder this. :)

"Auntie" sezzzzzz... said...

Jan. 30th...

Re: Your question in my comments....

Yes, all the mixes I use for me, have to be Gluten Free. This is a kind of recent happening with me, but it's here to stay. -pout-

"Books to the ceiling, Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them! How I need them!
I’ll have a long beard by the time I read them."

- Arnold Lobel

Snowcatcher said...

I have a Hoppit and a few rabbits I'd be very happy to introduce to you. Just keep them entertained and away from my garden this summer!

I, too, quacked up at the Quacks of Doom!

I will have to ask The Lizard his thoughts on the tale; he doesn't get to a computer often, so I may have to leave his comments for you...

Marigold said...

Dear Snowcatcher,
Tell the Lizard to crawl on up to that computer. If the Geico Gecko can do it, well then, so can he.

J (ruffled feathers) said...

What!!! The goatmother was used as cannon fodder for your creative "need."

I object. I am outraged. I am brokenhearted. Will the goatmother return? Where did she go? Who will caretake goatfather the white?????

You can't end a story with the death of one of the greatest heroines that ever lived (even if she seemed somewhat nasty in this particular tale).

Additionally, Marigold you need to know that a group of travel weary ducks arrived at our front door late, late last night. They said they could not talk long but were concerned about their lack of royalties and wanted me to find a lawyer willing to represent them.

All in all, your story has left its mark on us.

You might want to consider potential ramifications and representation BEFORE you write a new tale.

(((((((((GOATMOTHER)))))))))))

Marigold said...

Dear J,
It's only a movie ... ah, errr... a story.

Buffybelle said...

Written by a goat! Finally a story I can comprehend. Well done. I applaud you! (Click, Click, Click).

Marigold said...

Dear BuffyBelle,
Thank you, thank you! It is sad how uninformed the literary world is and how under represented we are. Don't you think?

denise f said...

That WatWise certianly turned out to be some hero, eh? Bravo!!

Marigold said...

Dear Denise,
Oh, yes! WatWise is very brave. He has to be because he lives with Ella.