Anatomy of Peanutarianism

Well, my goatness gracious! It has been awhile since I last spoke with you. That would be because my muse has been on her annual vacation. This year it was Rio. Oylé.

Anyway, I thought I would tell you about one of my most revered beliefs - Peanutarianism.

You stupid goat. There is no such thing.

Oh, but I assure you there is. The exact definition would be 'the practice of subsisting on a diet composed primarily or wholly of Peanuts.' Of course, that should probably read 'HOLY' instead of 'wholly', but that's Homophonism and has nothing at all to do with Peanutarianism.

Now here at our farm, various styles exist in adherence to a Peanutarian regime. I, myself, follow the 'Form of Reckless Abandonment'. I will take a Peanut from anyone, anytime, anyplace and as many times as offered. I do follow some rules of reservation in that most of the time I refuse to pick one up off the ground. Most of the time. But let me tell you, I have honed a skill whereupon my tongue can whip those suckers right out of thin air despite being on their way to someone else's mouth. I am blinding in my alacrity. Oy vay, Mama. I am so fast I am on fire!

However, not everyone here is as devout as am I. No, indeed. Take Ella for example (if you have to). Ella stands on the hoof-trimming stand in an effort to be taller than anyone else. In her feeble mind she actually believes it will put her closer to The Source, thereby gaining her 'first rights'. Yes, Ella follows the 'Mode of First Right'. It is a mistake, however, because speed is definitely where it's at. Still, in her own inimitable way, she often manages to bully others out of receiving the goods. The problem here lies in the fact that she is waaaay too picky. Often she manages to get there first only to turn up her nose, shake her head, and refuse to take the Peanut. This I can not understand. But that's not the worst of it. Oh, no. More often than not, she will take the Peanut in her mouth, get her spit all over it so no one else could possibly want it, and then drop it on the floor. This makes the goatmother exceedingly angry, but being the kind soul that she is, she will say, "Okay, I'll give you one more chance." When the next one hits the floor, though, that's it. The goatmother is slow, but eventually even she moves on.

Now Boo follows the 'Pattern of Peculiarity', or more commonly known as, 'The Nubian Knack'. I know that sounds strange, but then so is Boo. For you see Boo must first ascertain that she is indeed being given a Peanut and that said Peanut is indeed edible. It doesn't matter how many times Boo has received a Peanut previously, each and every Peanut must be reassessed each and every time one is offered. I suppose this method might help in avoiding bad nuts, but most of the time it takes Boo so long to figure out that it isn't say, a fish, that I, with my lightening reflexes, will have procured the delicacy before she has even registered anything was there. Occasionally one makes it inside, but, being Nubian and subject to the influences of, well, just about anything, most often she will get it in her mouth and forget what it was. One will see her chomp, shake her head a few times, and then see the now-crushed remains fall to the floor. The mind is a horrible thing to lose. Of course I guess this presupposes you had one in the first place.

Anyway, that leads us to Peanut (the goat and not the nut). Being related to me, Peanut loves Peanuts. Does this make him a cannibal? I can't be sure, but I digress... Peanut ascribes to the method known as 'The Flash of Fastidiousness'. Now, don't get me wrong. He LOVES Peanuts, really he does. The problem with this method is that one simply can not allow the nut to touch one's lips. Believe me it is a highly developed skill being able to eat a Peanut without it touching your lips. But I am telling you, Peanut (the goat) can do it! It is, indeed, a wonder to behold. This method irritates the goatmother, too, since it requires her to hold the thing in front of him for some time before he can maneuver his way through the no-touch scenario. It also requires her to lock everyone else out most of the time, in order to gain time enough to accomplish said feat. Oy. In his favor, however, when thrown to him, Peanut will eat the nuts off the ground provided no one knocks him out of the way first.

So now we come to my dear Watson. One will never find a more unprincipled consumer. Yes, my dear Watson follows the 'Vogue of Vacuumism'. It is not that he has no scruples. In fact he can be quite dogmatic. For Watson will take a Peanut when no one else will. It doesn't matter to him if it harbors someone else's spit, if it has been pre-crushed (by mouth or hoof), if it is slightly soggy, if it has fallen near a goat berry, or if it has been offered in pristine condition. No, my friends, it can not be said that Watson is a purist by any stretch of the imagination. Still, there is method to his madness and, as a result, quite a few morsels are his reward. After all, someone has to get them before those stupid mice in the barn. I guess one could say that Watson is sort of the 'Mikey' of Peanutarianism. 'Give it to Watson - he'll eat anything!'

So there you have it. To each his own, I always say. "Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. We, here, are nothing if not courageous. Peanut, anyone???

Here's The Thing...

Hey, Ho! Peanut here! I am writing today because Auntie Marigold is dealing with a bad case of hoofle-tunnel syndrome as a result of recent voting efforts in the Goat of the Year contest over at Herron Hill, our old home. As you probably know, the poll ended in a tie between my lovely (albeit, sadly, too-nicely-behaved) sister, Cora Belle, and the dark goat candidate, Winne the Soprano. Granted I may not be as intelligent as my Auntie Marigold, but I would like to point out that there is just something amiss with the results of this contest.

For starters, Auntie Marigold was placing her *vote* when all of a sudden Winnie, who had been dead last, suddenly shot to over 1,000 votes. Apparently if you are a member of the Soprano family you can do this sort of magic. FM, I believe it is called (Fantastic Magic). Far be it from me to question the methods of any bona fide member of the *machine*, but really. Over 1,000 votes in the space of time it takes to make one vote?

So then, Cora Belle still managed to come within winning range once again. Now here is where I can swear there was a problem. I, myself, was placing my one vote when the vote button suddenly disappeared and I was not allowed to place my vote. The poll had apparently ended. At this time I was able to capture a screen shot of the results. as you see below:

For those of you who need glasses, I have enlarged the important part:

Well, my goodness gracious! What does this show? The voting ended with the lovely Cora Belle winning by a mere one vote! AH, HA!

All, I can say is I suppose it pays to be a member of the Soprano family (or a close paid associate thereof). Perhaps the firm of Cheatoff and Prosper was bought? Could it be? I guess we will never know. After all, I suppose it is the American way. No doubt that's how we ended up with shrubbery in the White House.

At any rate, I just want to say that we, the people (or goatles) know the truth. Remember, Winnie, crime does not pay. Eventually, someone tougher or smarter comes along and with one butt, you're back where you started. Until then, you just keep right on singing, 'I did it myyyyy waaaaay.'

CORA BELLE IS NO. 1!!!!!! But don't worry, sis. I can tell you no one EVER looks at the front of the calendar anyway.

Guess Who's Two

Happy Birthday, little girl! It's a wonder we've survived two whole years.

Once In A Blue Moon

Look at that! The goatmother took this picture last night. Tonight is not only the full moon, but it marks one of the rare occurrences called a 'Blue Moon'. What is that, you ask? Well, there are different definitions, apparently, but the most modern one says that a Blue Moon occurs when a full moon comes twice within one month. (For other definitions, please see here.) Because the lunar cycle, the time between the new and full moon, is only 29.5 days long, and because the calendar months are longer than this, except for Februrary which is shorter, it causes the full moon to occur a little earlier than the previous month as time goes by. Eventually, approximately every two and a half years to be exact, a month will have two full moons.

Now, that being said, the next 'Blue Moon' will occur on August 31, 2012. Even better, the year 2018 will have two 'Blue Moons' in one year, January 31st and March 31st. Now won't that be cool?

According to some folklore, when a Blue Moon' occurs, it will have a face and talk to anyone who stands in its light. This sounds kind of spooky to me, but you know, I want to give it a try. Don't you think a moon might consider conversing with a humble goat standing on a stump? Hey, it could happen. Oy. I might finally get the answer to the Universe, Life and the true meaning of Peanuts. Although, come to think of it, I probably already know the answer to that last one.

At any rate, tonight will be a very rare occurrence. And most especially, with it being the beginning of a whole New Year, I think we ought to embrace it and take the opportunity to ask for a fabulous year ahead for ourselves and all those poor folks without jobs, income, love, health, friendship, meaning or Peanuts in their lives. After all, it is said that the energy of a 'Blue Moon' is magnified three-fold. Three. That's a good number. Kind of like those 3-to-a-shell Peanuts.

So, my friends, grasp this opportunity to consider things and perhaps change some old ideas. After all, you know what they say - if you don't like the scenery, change the point of view. "Every once in a blue moon, something new comes along that scrambles your preconceptions." - Unknown.

A Goat's Guide To The New Year

Of course the New Year ALWAYS brings with it this idea of 'resolutions'. To my way of thinking, resolutions are kind of useless. I mean, if they worked, would we need to keep making them year after year? So, this year I thought I would just present you with some 'Peanuts for thought' - some conclusions I came to during 2009 that will guide me forward instead of backward. After all, going backward just doesn't get you anywhere does it? So with that, here are my thoughts. It is my hope that they may help point you toward a better 2010.

1) With all the hype one sees in the media about 'perfection', one should come to realize that who you are is much more important than what you are. Who cares if your ears stick out straight? Know that you are beautiful on the inside and that, when all is said and done, you will have the last laugh. Looks don't last forever, but a beautiful soul shines on.

2) Don't always keep the best Peanuts for yourself. Sometimes it just feels better to give. Sometimes giving is where it's at.

3) Don't be afraid to 'love someone from a distance'. You can still acknowledge them without having them ruin or run your life. Nobody said that 'turning the other cheek' had to mean hurting yourself.

4) Realize that you are 'good enough'. Remember that line about 'God don't make no junk'?

5) Know that you are ALWAYS in exactly the place you ought to be. There's ALWAYS another Peanut just around the bend, even if someone just stepped on the last one.

6) If someone butts you, know that you can still pick yourself up (particularly if you are Watson), dust off all the bits of hay and goat berries, and TRY again. There are ALWAYS more Peanuts. Besides, eventually the greedy get full.

7) Always remember that in order to help anyone else you have to help yourself first. That doesn't mean you have to be first in line for the Peanuts and push others out of the way. Nope. It just means that it is okay to love yourself too. After all, if 'you' were someone else, wouldn't you treat 'them' much better than you often treat yourself??? I rest my case. So be your own BFF.

8) It is okay to stand on your stump and relax once in awhile. Life isn't always about work. Of course not! It's all about the Peanuts.

9) Remember what someone else thinks isn't all that important. Value your opinion and your judgment. Besides, in the end it's you that has to savor the taste of that Peanut. What does it matter if someone else thinks 2008 was a better year for growing if the 2009 ones taste better to you?

10) Never get overwhelmed by what you have to do. Don't look at the entire bale of hay. Take it a few mouthfuls at a time.

So there you have it. May your New Year hold the promise of Peanuts to come and the joys of living life to its fullest. And may you receive fewer butts in 2010 than you had to endure in 2009. " We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called 'Opportunity' and its first chapter is New Year's Day." - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Merry Whew!

I made it... just barely.


In case you didn't notice, that one with the red bow is a 3-to-a-sheller. SCORE!!!!! I managed to make it under the wire by the hair of my chinny, chin chin. Oy.

I am going to start right now getting ready for next year. I won't let St. Magnus Peanutos pass me by. No Goatee! For "I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." - Charles Dickens.

Merry Christmas, all Y'all! Try not to butt anyone. He's always watching, you know.

Goat of the Year Poll

Now you see, over at my birth farm they are having a poll for Goat of the Year. Peanut won this in the past - twice. So, Peanut would like you to go over and vote for his State Champion modelesque sister, Cora Belle. I, however, would like you to vote for Melody because she is a thinking kind of goat. Naturally I am in support of ratiocination of any kind. So follow this link and vote. Thanks to Melody, we can now vote as many times as we like. That is the true spirit of democracy. Pad the results. After all, it is Christmas time - a time of giving.