Thursday, January 14, 2010
Anatomy of Peanutarianism
Well, my goatness gracious! It has been awhile since I last spoke with you. That would be because my muse has been on her annual vacation. This year it was Rio. Oylé.
Anyway, I thought I would tell you about one of my most revered beliefs - Peanutarianism.
You stupid goat. There is no such thing.
Oh, but I assure you there is. The exact definition would be 'the practice of subsisting on a diet composed primarily or wholly of Peanuts.' Of course, that should probably read 'HOLY' instead of 'wholly', but that's Homophonism and has nothing at all to do with Peanutarianism.
Now here at our farm, various styles exist in adherence to a Peanutarian regime. I, myself, follow the 'Form of Reckless Abandonment'. I will take a Peanut from anyone, anytime, anyplace and as many times as offered. I do follow some rules of reservation in that most of the time I refuse to pick one up off the ground. Most of the time. But let me tell you, I have honed a skill whereupon my tongue can whip those suckers right out of thin air despite being on their way to someone else's mouth. I am blinding in my alacrity. Oy vay, Mama. I am so fast I am on fire!
However, not everyone here is as devout as am I. No, indeed. Take Ella for example (if you have to). Ella stands on the hoof-trimming stand in an effort to be taller than anyone else. In her feeble mind she actually believes it will put her closer to The Source, thereby gaining her 'first rights'. Yes, Ella follows the 'Mode of First Right'. It is a mistake, however, because speed is definitely where it's at. Still, in her own inimitable way, she often manages to bully others out of receiving the goods. The problem here lies in the fact that she is waaaay too picky. Often she manages to get there first only to turn up her nose, shake her head, and refuse to take the Peanut. This I can not understand. But that's not the worst of it. Oh, no. More often than not, she will take the Peanut in her mouth, get her spit all over it so no one else could possibly want it, and then drop it on the floor. This makes the goatmother exceedingly angry, but being the kind soul that she is, she will say, "Okay, I'll give you one more chance." When the next one hits the floor, though, that's it. The goatmother is slow, but eventually even she moves on.
Now Boo follows the 'Pattern of Peculiarity', or more commonly known as, 'The Nubian Knack'. I know that sounds strange, but then so is Boo. For you see Boo must first ascertain that she is indeed being given a Peanut and that said Peanut is indeed edible. It doesn't matter how many times Boo has received a Peanut previously, each and every Peanut must be reassessed each and every time one is offered. I suppose this method might help in avoiding bad nuts, but most of the time it takes Boo so long to figure out that it isn't say, a fish, that I, with my lightening reflexes, will have procured the delicacy before she has even registered anything was there. Occasionally one makes it inside, but, being Nubian and subject to the influences of, well, just about anything, most often she will get it in her mouth and forget what it was. One will see her chomp, shake her head a few times, and then see the now-crushed remains fall to the floor. The mind is a horrible thing to lose. Of course I guess this presupposes you had one in the first place.
Anyway, that leads us to Peanut (the goat and not the nut). Being related to me, Peanut loves Peanuts. Does this make him a cannibal? I can't be sure, but I digress... Peanut ascribes to the method known as 'The Flash of Fastidiousness'. Now, don't get me wrong. He LOVES Peanuts, really he does. The problem with this method is that one simply can not allow the nut to touch one's lips. Believe me it is a highly developed skill being able to eat a Peanut without it touching your lips. But I am telling you, Peanut (the goat) can do it! It is, indeed, a wonder to behold. This method irritates the goatmother, too, since it requires her to hold the thing in front of him for some time before he can maneuver his way through the no-touch scenario. It also requires her to lock everyone else out most of the time, in order to gain time enough to accomplish said feat. Oy. In his favor, however, when thrown to him, Peanut will eat the nuts off the ground provided no one knocks him out of the way first.
So now we come to my dear Watson. One will never find a more unprincipled consumer. Yes, my dear Watson follows the 'Vogue of Vacuumism'. It is not that he has no scruples. In fact he can be quite dogmatic. For Watson will take a Peanut when no one else will. It doesn't matter to him if it harbors someone else's spit, if it has been pre-crushed (by mouth or hoof), if it is slightly soggy, if it has fallen near a goat berry, or if it has been offered in pristine condition. No, my friends, it can not be said that Watson is a purist by any stretch of the imagination. Still, there is method to his madness and, as a result, quite a few morsels are his reward. After all, someone has to get them before those stupid mice in the barn. I guess one could say that Watson is sort of the 'Mikey' of Peanutarianism. 'Give it to Watson - he'll eat anything!'
So there you have it. To each his own, I always say. "Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. We, here, are nothing if not courageous. Peanut, anyone???