"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Jenny Craig, Please Help!

Today the goatmother decided to trim Boo's hooves. Ordinarily, in a perfect world, this would not be cause for concern. The world is not perfect. Boo is overweight. Why else would we refer to her as the U.S.S. Boo? However, Boo is not really just overweight. Boo has sort of gone more into the realm of 'Caution: Extremely Wide Load', or 'Danger!, Contents Under Extreme Pressure', or 'Lookout Bro!, Big Wack Booty In Da Hood!' To top it all off, Boo is not even remotely interested in being cooperative when it comes to having her monthly 'hooficure'.

So, the play-by-play unfolds like this: There is no way in hay that Boo is going to get up on that stand. Used to be you could get her head in the front and the goatfather could lift her back end up on the stand. Used to be. That was back when she weighed a mere 160 pounds. At last count, Boo weighed in at a whopping 200 pounds of non-lean, non-cooperative, caprine chaos. Chaos? Sweet little Boo? Obviously you have never seen her when a) food is involved or b) her feet are involved. As a matter of fact, when Boo walks across the pasture it measures a good 5.0 on the Richter scale. If she runs, it's 'Duck and Cover!' (Except for Watson who has fainted back at the gate from the original seismic disturbance.) Therefore, the goatmother puts a leash on her collar and ties her up. A bucket of nice alfalfa pellets and grain is placed in front of her in an effort to distract her attention. No problemo, right? Wrong. She pulls, she twists, she becomes 'Mighty Pretzel-Goat', she dumps the bucket of goodies (how sinful!), she falls down, she gets up, she, horror of horrors, bites the goatmother on the butt!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Trust me, even the neighbors know when Boo gets her hooves trimmed. Perhaps even the neighbor's neighbors know. Several miles away they probably know when Boo is getting her hooves trimmed. Oy.

I, myself, can NOT understand this. I mean there is food involved. Wouldn't you think that would create some incentive for her to act well? Plus, the real problem is that as long as Boo remains in her present 'condition', NONE of the rest of us are ever going to see even one kernel of grain.

I'm not taking this lying down - or standing up or even thinking on my stump! As we speak I am composing a letter to Jenny Craig. I have no doubt they will take her on when I explain to them just how desperate we are and just how many Peanuts are involved in the pay-off. After all, who in their right mind could possibly resist that? If Kirstie Alley can do it, so can Boo. That's it. PERIOD. End of discussion.

As for the goatmother, she'll be the one sporting that nice goat-bite imprint on her cakes. How avant-garde! Très chic!!! I mean ain't nobody got a tattoo like that one!

1 comment:

The Sweet Pea said...

Bhaaa Bhaaa Ha Ha Bhaaa ha!!
Dear Marigold, you are so funny!! I agree with your logic..... totally! I have no problem getting my hooves trimmed so long as grain is involved! de donna always gives me a big hug and tells me I'm such a good goat!! Bhaaa ha!
GoaTee is a brat at times and Mishia is like a dangling participle, her rear end falling off to the right and then to the left and sometimes both front knees go down! She is a riot to watch! And then there's the Dirty Sisters! If you think Boo is rather large, you should see that piggie Ober, Bhohdi. Geeze!!
Then there's Boogie, the brown nose...... always managing to do something sweet so as to fall into good graces with de donna. She tries to be " Miss perfect " but I know better than that! There's only room for one perfect goat at The Caprine Hilton and that is me, The Sweet Pea!!! We Alpines are all alike........ right Ella?