"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Bend It Like Beckham

Just why is it that so many people these days are fascinated with Soccer? And really, the fascination doesn't just end with people. Take, for example, the Mighty Quinn. Granted he still hasn't figured out how to herd goats, but you won't see me complaining about that anytime soon. Still, I have to hand it to the guy. When it comes to soccer, well, I can't imagine a dog being any more adept at the game. Just take a look at this:

Allow me to give you a little play-by-play commentary. You see the Mighty Quinn is what is known as the Striker. That would be the team's Forward and primary scoring threat. Now Cabra, on the other hand, would be what is known as the Attacking Midfielder. You see it is her job to play right behind the Striker, a position she manages with a great deal of zest and skill. She is also very good at Charging, a method of running at and unbalancing the player who has possession of the ball. Or course it would probably be better if the one in possession were actually on the opposing team.

Nonetheless, occasionally the ball goes into the goal and just sort of gets 'stuck' there. In the above video we can see the Mighty Quinn's solution to this dilemma as he employs a Trap, using his entire body to scoot the ball backward where it can again be entered into the field of play. In the end we see him employ the move he is credited with creating as he uses the ball to spin his entire body into the direction of play. Of course, such expenditures of energy do tend to sap one's momentum.

So after witnessing such fine prowess on the playing field, we goats thought we might give it a try. After all, a goat simply should be better at things than a dog. At any rate, the result has been captured below - for posterity.

Initially, I approach the ball. It doesn't seem to be doing anything, so I ignore it. A shrewd play as is witnessed by the congratulatory chest-bump combo I exchange with Boo afterward. (Okay, well, heads work a lot better than chests for goats.)

Next, Peanut approaches the ball, snorts and does a diagonal cross toward the barn. This is clearly an attempt at the Offside Trap, a play of defense to catch the attacking team offside. I think it worked rather nicely, and I must say the added 'snort' really makes anyone think twice before trying to steal that ball.

Afterward, we see Watson approach the ball and then do a Feint (that is Feint and not Faint, by the way), no doubt thinking that if he looks away from the ball it might just come after him - or not. After all, he did freeze up a couple of times.
Still he is probably the best Stopper we have - in more ways than one.

Now we come to an example of the Drop Ball, a method of restarting the game. All team members scatter, suspecting a Foul, no doubt, but ending up in the Corner Arc in a mass effort to thwart the ball from entering the goal.
It is unclear as to why Boo looks so alarmed.

Lastly, we see Peanut execute a masterful rendition of the Banana Kick. Too bad he wasn't in contact with the ball at the time, but rather felt the ball was trying to get into contact with him. In the end, I suppose the fact that everyone ran off-field indicates that perhaps Soccer really isn't the best sport for goats. Well, I don't mind. After all,
“The spotlight will always be on me, but it's something I'm learning to live with as the years go by.” - David Beckham

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Case of the Cloistered Caterpillars

Ah! A new mystery is afoot! Marigold Holmes here, along with my faithful sidekick, the inimitable Watson. Grudgingly we are allowing Peanut to play along in the role of 'boy wonder' on this one. So what, you ask, is the big mystery? The big mystery is that we have seen not one, but two Woolly Boogers in the barn. "Wait just a goober-eating minute, here, Marigold! Just what is so dad-blamed unusual about seeing a Woolly Booger at this time of year?"

Well allow me to tell you just what is so special. Granted last year we saw lots and lots of Woolly Boogers. Really too many to be comfortable. They were everywhere, and it was just plain hard to walk without stepping in the middle of one or almost having one for lunch. So seeing only two Woolly Boogers doesn't appear, at first glance, to be anything noteworthy. However, the fact is that both these Woolly Boogers were inside the barn. Now just why, in a goat's Peanut-eating dream, were these guys inside and not outside as all the others have been? You see, my friends, herein lies the conundrum.

I do, however, have a theory. You see today is the Equinox. To be precise, it is the Autumnal Equinox, a point at which the length of day and night are equal all over the earth. Actually it is due to the Earth reaching a point in it's annual orbit around the sun at which the polar inclination is at right angles to a line drawn between the Earth and the Sun. (An astronomical goat. Who knew?) At any rate, the appearance of the Woolly Boogers, as you might remember from last year, signals a rough winter ahead in folklore...or goatlore, depending upon which theory you care to subscribe.

So, we can look at this in two ways. First, there have been only two Woolly Boogers sighted. Only two. Must be a very mild winter ahead for us. On the other hand, both of these Woolly Boogers were inside the barn. Now why would they be inside and not outside? One can only surmise that they were 'getting-the-hay out of Dodge'. The winter is going to be SO bad that the only two surviving Woolly Boogers felt compelled to find the most protected (not to mention cozy and Peanut-packed) environment possible in which to ride out the haylacious storm.

So, it is the Equinox. Equal. Fifty-Fifty. In line with that vein of thought, it would seem to me that, all things being equal , we have an exact fifty-fifty chance of having either a very bad or a very good winter. But which will it be? Occam's Razor theorizes, "All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best." In that case, I suppose the simplest solution would be to just wait and see, and perhaps have a few Peanuts while we wait. We certainly can't ask the Woolly Boogers. They never tell the truth anyway.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Philosophically Country

My name is Marigold. People look at me and say 'Here comes trouble.' After all, Trouble is my middle name. But the way I see it, it takes one to know one. Really, people ought to be more careful about what they say since you cain't never tell which way the pickle's gonna' squirt.

Now I live in the country. To be exact, it's down yonder in the holler. You might think that's a purty fur piece from anywhere important, but really it's only about as far as two mop handles and a long string. Why shucks in a bucket!!! It's as purty as a speckled pup here and very safe. Why it's as safe as if you were in Abraham's back pocket and him fixin' to sit down!

And now summer is starting to wind down here. It has been quite warm during the day, but at night it's been colder than frogs' legs. Of course that don't amount to a hill of Peanuts in the long run, 'cuz Fall is just around the corner and we'll be there before the goats come home.

Ah, Fall. Fall, when the temperatures cool and the winds begin to blow. Of course when the wind blows it often blows the barn door shut. No matter, because everyone knows when one door shuts, another one opens - that is unless the goatmother is having one of her less-than-perceptive, forgot-to-take-my-ginkgo days. Days when she comes in yelling, "Were you born in a barn!?" Why, yes, I was, thank you very much. Nonetheless, we never hold it against her. After all, she is in charge of the Peanuts, and it doesn't pay to look a gift goatmother in the mouth. Sometimes she drops a few and naturally I feel that a Peanut in the hand is worth two on the floor, but I tend not to sweat the small stuff. I find life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. Of course I prefer to stand on the stumps, but that is another matter entirely.

So here my introspection comes to an end. In parting, remember to always revere your Peanuts. Peanuts are 'happy' food and everyone knows you are what you eat. Remember to always keep skunks and bankers (and Alpines) at a distance, and always save a Peanut for a rainy Fall day. See ya' in a fair shake. Sleep tight. Don't let the haybugs bite. And above all, never go skinny dipping with snapping turtles.

Marigold, Oy and out.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Just Maybe...

It all started on a rainy October afternoon in 1993. The goatmother had gone to look at a litter of feral kittens that had been trapped and then put up for adoption. There were three, two males and a female, but one in particular 'spoke' to her. Literally. One of the kittens, though mistrustful of human beings, was quite vocal about everything. That was all it took, and so Fu, whose name supposedly meant 'Tiger' in some Chinese dialect, came to live with the goatmother and the goatfather. He was so afraid that the goatmother stayed up and held him all night long. He never quite lost his wariness, and for the longest time the only chance anyone had to touch him was when they were lying flat in bed.

He was quite a character, really. He had a penchant for eating very strange things. He ate the goatmother's dried flower arrangement. In desperation, she finally threw out the dried flowers and replaced them with plastic flowers. Fu ate the plastic flowers. He ate them and then he threw them up. He ate the carpet...and then he threw that up. Actually he ate quite a lot of things that he threw up. Nonetheless, the family loved him, and eventually he got to where he would jump up on the goatmother's lap, or by the goatfather, and purr away.

Fu left us today. We knew it was coming. After all, he was 15 years old. We knew it was coming...but we weren't prepared. I guess you never are. St. Francis of Assisi said
, "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle." And so we know that our Fu lives on someplace...where he is well...and young...and unburdened. Just maybe life isn't all about the Peanuts.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Alien Craft Revealed

While contentedly munching grass on the morning of September 5, 2008, we looked up to see, hidden in the bushes, a most sinister sight. An alien craft of unknown origin was spotted in Area 51 of our farm. Now you might wonder why the hay we have an Area 51 on our farm. Let it suffice to say that it all has to do with the presence of certain plants growing in certain areas, and just where, in relation to those areas, the Peanuts are located. Area 51 or not, here, undoubtedly, was the mechanism responsible for the mysterious designs of a circular nature recently encountered. Oh, yes, Roswell has absolutely nothing on us!

Upon closer examination, it was determined that the vehicle in question was being 'manned' (or would it be alienned?) by something or someone. A strange insect-like emblem was noted on the side of the monstrosity, and it was further noted that the alien pilot sported an odd green head with large, knobby red ears. We were all fearful at this point. Watson fainted.

In the end, it turned out our fears were unfounded. Instead of being hidden away inside some Hangar 18, our alien craft was piloted under the overhang of the shop. And, as it turned out, the alien pilot was none other than the goatfather wearing his beloved John Deere cap and a pair of red ear protectors. Oy. Instead of the Unholy Thirteen, we had only the Uninformed Five to control the situation. Really. Where is Mulder when you need him?

Nevertheless, I am wont to consider the possibility that perhaps this was not the goatfather after all. Perhaps it was an alien in disguise and he really was piloting a UFO. Indeed all five of us saw the same thing and arrived at the same conclusion. As a student of Phaedrus I feel compelled to point out, "Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden..." And just who, after all, is more intelligent than a goat?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Loves Me, Loves Me Not, LOVES ME!!!

Wow! I just got an 'I Heart Your Blog' from 'On The Way To Critter Farm'! Now how cool is that?! Okay, admittedly I am just a goat, but I am wondering...what exactly does 'I heart your blog' mean? Perhaps it is a universal symbol. Let's see...hearts go 'thump-thump'. Hearts are red. Hearts are emotional. This is a mystery! Oh, boy! A mystery! We haven't had a mystery in a while! Hmmm... I know! Hearts hold emotions. Emotions are strong where Peanuts are concerned. That means this is ALL about Peanuts!!! Yes!!!! Life is ALL about the Peanuts. I knew it.

Nonetheless, I suppose that means I need to pass this award on. That being said, I can think of no one more deserving than my dear friend and comrade-in-hoof, Baby Belle over at This Goat's Life. So here's to you, Baby Belle! Remember, It's ALL about the Peanuts!