"If providence did beards devise,
To prove the wearers of them wise,
A fulsome goat would then, by nature,
Excel each other human creature." - Thomas D'Urfey

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Summer That Wouldn't Die

So here's the thing. This Tuesday it will be Fall, but it doesn't feel like Fall. Oh, no. We are so dry that we goats are 'spittin' cotton'. No, really. The grass is dying and the trees are turning brown. We had a smidgen of rain last night, but it wasn't enough. The goatmother is getting tired of slogging hoses around trying to keep everything from dying. This makes her crabby. Crabby means this: 'If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.' Oy.

I mean last year we had snow on the mountains by the end of September. Now,there isn't even any rain in the forecast through the end of the month! Oy, I say. Just plain Oy.

So I'm gonna' sit on my stump and meditate about this. Surely a little meditation will convince the Universe we need some rain to welcome autumn. After all, "There is a harmony in autumn, and a luster in its sky, which through the summer is not heard or seen, as if it could not be, as if it had not been!" - Percy Bysshe Shelley

'Word', Percy.

Monday, September 14, 2009

A Most Disturbing Day

I guess one should always be prepared because you just never know. Take for example this morning. This morning the goatmother came out and did all her goatly chores - like passing out Peanuts. Things were all quite normal. The goatmother, the Mighty Quinn and Cabra went back into the house. The goatmother had just gotten out of the shower when Cabra began to go crazy, running hither and yon barking wildly. Okay, well, Cabra does lean toward being the alarmist, so the goatmother glanced out the window and saw some yellow pass by. That was her first mistake since she didn't have her glasses on at the time. The goatmother just shrugged and thought, 'Oh, it's just the neighbor kid.'

Now the neighbor kid is a Golden Retriever who regularly comes up for his daily 'poop and pat' - so named because that is what he does. He finds someplace to poop and then he wanders about and comes to the goatmother to get a pat on the head. I don't really understand how that works since the goatmother never pats me for pooping, but maybe it has something to do with being a dog. I can't be sure.

Anyway, back to my story... The goatmother ignored Cabra, telling her it was just the neighbor kid, and that was her second mistake. She should have paid more attention. Just then the phone rang and it was the neighbor - the very one with whom the neighbor kid lives. It seems there had been an extremely large yellow dog, with no collar, barking at their house. The neighbor went out and the dog would not come to her. Instead he growled. So the neighbor was warning the goatmother and the goatfather to be on the lookout, and not to let the Mighty Quinn or Cabra out unsupervised. 'Hmmm,' thought the goatmother. 'I guess I should have put my glasses on.' Yes, goatmother. You should have. And what's with that neighbor, anyway? What about the goats? Doesn't anyone care about the GOATS?

Now the other disturbing thing about today was that no weather station anywhere said it was going to rain. So, guess what? It rained. You see we were all standing out in the pasture by the tire. This is our most favorite place to stand and the goatmother calls it the 'Buffalo Wallow'. That makes absolutely no sense because none of us looks anything like a Buffalo, but then I suppose one could feasibly mistake Boo for a Buffalo - if they didn't have their glasses on. Oy.

Anyway, there we all were, just minding our own business, when suddenly said huge yellow dog appeared out of nowhere near the barn. Ella snorted. ( I know. It isn't very lady-like, not to mention undignified, but there you have it. It gets the job done.) Everyone came to immediate attention, including the goatmother who had, by that time, arrived at the back door. The goatfather came out and managed to scare the dog away - somewhat, but by then we were all so concerned we were too afraid to go to the barn. Which is why it was so disturbing that it was raining when it wasn't supposed to be raining. That meant we were all standing in the pouring rain. Anyone that knows anything, knows that goats DO NOT like rain. As a matter of fact, we will go to great lengths to avoid getting wet, and will do almost anything to that end. Anything, that is, except move when a suspected predator attack is in the offing. Oh, no. Not a hair moves in that case. Not even two hairs.

But back to the dog... The goatmother redeemed herself in the end. She donned her raincoat and, staff in hand, came out and escorted us all to the barn. Whew! Plus we got more hay in the bargain. Mind you I could not bring myself to concentrate fully on consuming it seeing as how it was necessary to keep running back and forth checking to see if the menace had returned. Oh, well. That kind of thing helps to maintain my svelte figure (despite recent rumors that I follow the philosophy of SUMO. Harummpf.).

In retrospect, I feel quite sure we could have handled our situation more competently had we had enough time to consider it fully first.
After all, it has been said, "The world is full of abundance and opportunity, but far too many people come to the fountain of life with a sieve instead of a tank car...a teaspoon instead of a steam shovel. They expect little and as a result they get little." - Ben Sweetland. With that in mind, let it be hereby noted that I expect quite a lot and should the situation of the big yellow dog arise again, we are coming to the fountain with that tank car. Yes, indeed. Should it happen again we are shoving Boo to the FRONT!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Goat Yoga

The summer has been a long, hot and dry one, leading one toward the pursuit of nothing more than laying around, waiting for the heat to pass, and the occasional Peanut. Recently, however, I, in my intellectually superior way, have come to consider the great benefits of Yoga. For you see, Yoga is not merely the pretzeling of body parts into aberrant and unnatural positions. No, my friends, the Yogi strives to manifest Universal Life through a controlled, ordered and healthy mind and body. That is to say that through the pursuit of this material philosophy, one might become stronger. One might stand to gain strength in mind and body. One might just get the Peanut before anyone else does.

So, in keeping with my new-found endeavor, I and my compatriots have embarked on a satisfying, albeit rigorous, regime of mastery of the art of Yoga. Detailed below is evidentiary testimony of our arduous efforts.

Here is a stunning example of the Warrior Pose (Virasana).

Next, we see an example of the Eagle Pose (Garudasana), brilliantly executed by myself.

A most impressive representation of the Spinal Twist (Ardha Matsendrasana).

And, of course, no regime would be complete without Downward-Facing Goat (Adho Mukha Svanasana).

Naturally, I have not been alone in my efforts, witnessed here by this handsome rendition of the Half-Moon (Ardha-chandrasana), executed so masterfully by my nephew, Peanut.

Even Boo has taken the task to heart. Here we see her in a first-rate interpretation of the Mountain Pose (Tadasana). Of course this is the only pose she has come to master (for obvious reasons), but I suppose we must give her an 'A' in self-awareness.

Lastly, allow me to leave you with this spectacular exemplification of the Lotus Position (Matsyāsana).

In the practice of Yoga, one must pay particular attention to the breath, breathing deeply from the diaphragm. Be sure to breathe out slowly and completely. Since this needs to be accomplished uniformly, it is a good idea to employ a long, sustained sound that will vibrate within the skull and allow concentration - something such as the word, 'Oyyyyyyyyyyyymmm'. With this in mind, allow me to leave you with these last thoughts. Be vigilant in your efforts to achieve inner Peace. "Butt wood and carry Peanuts", and, of course, "What is the sound of one hoof clomping?"