The Pied Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch

It so dull around here.  All I can do is start another story because, Goat knows, there's certainly nothing else exciting happening.  Anyway  ...

Long ago there lived an old woman who was overweight.  The old woman was really named The Creature Formerly Known As Goatmother.  'GM'.  (This is not to be confused with the auto maker.  They've been around a lot longer and they actually understand engineer stuff.  The Goatmother just lives with one.  She does not possess 'The Knack'.)  Anyway, 'GM' was formerly known as The Creature Formerly Known As Goatmother because now she had come to be known as The Pied Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch.  There is a reason for this.  Really.  I know you are doubtful, but the fact of the matter remains that the old woman had, in a momentary fit of healthfulness, decided to join Weight Watchers.  As a result, she had become but a pinch-faced shadow of her former self.  This was not, however, due to any loss of weight, as you might have supposed.  Instead  it was due to an incessant calculation of points.  Points allowed, points consumed, points left to consume, points you darn sure better not consume, and points resulting in an instant and fully guaranteed gain of ten or more pounds in one sitting.  Day after day was spent in furrow-browed concentration.  Wrinkles were beginning to form. 

So, then.  This explains the 'Point-Pincher' part of the sobriquet, and the 'HalfAsMuch' part is pretty obvious since she was getting only half as much to eat as she used to.  But what about the 'Pied' part?  Well, that part denotes a bit of a departure from proper Weight Watcher decorum.  You see, at one time 'GM' had a momentary lapse and actually 'fell off the wagon', as it were.   She sneaked a piece of pie.  It wasn't counted, but it wasn't really necessary since, in her haste to down the thing before anyone saw her, half of it missed her mouth completely and went sliding down her front.  Almost as  good as the Scarlet Letter, if you ask me.  At any rate, that is how she became the 'Pied' Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch.  Shameful   Just shameful.

Now it happened that a small band of quiet, orderly, lovable, angelic, and peace-loving goats were living on a picturesque farm in a beautiful, albeit rainy, land.  They had a lovely barn to dwell in, warm hay and an ample supply of Peanuts.  Near the lovely barn was a nice pond.  Unfortunately the pond had become literally infested with and overrun by ducks.  Quacking  could be heard all hours of  the night and day destroying the peaceful atmosphere.  Grass no longer grew in the wake of hundreds of webbed feet.  No one could walk even a few steps without stepping in rejectamenta.  In fact, there were regiments of rejectamenta.  No one and nothing was safe.  All harmony was utterly lost. 

The goats had begun to lose all hope of regaining accord when there appeared an old woman dressed in baggy clothes.  She stood and looked about, then approached the exceedingly intelligent leader of the band, who was a beautiful and elegant black and white goat with chic tan facial stripes and modestly sporty, yet tasteful,  airplane-like ears.  (A tall and pushy Alpine had first tried to pass herself off as leader, then a rather Rubenesque Nubian [a BBW, if you will].  However, the old woman recognized where the real intelligence was right off.)  "I see you have quite a few ducks here.", said the old woman.  "Likely I could help you with that for I am ... (pause for dramatic affect) ... the Duck Whisperer"  And this is how 'GM' came to be known as 'DW'.  What is worse, since there were something on the order of 40,000 ducks in this hamlet, 'DW' soon became known as 'DW-40' as she went about 'freeing up' the space.

So 'DW-40' agreed to rid the place of ducks, and the goats agreed to pay her.  By now you are probably wondering just how 'DW-40' managed this task.  I can only tell you this:  corn.  Cracked corn, to be exact.  In essence, 'GM' was offering those ducks 'GM' (genetically modified) corn.  Since no one knows the long term effects of 'GM' crops, we can only surmise that the disappearance of the ducks occurred under mysterious and sinister circumstances  likely funded by multi-billion dollar monopolies.  Or perhaps the APA (Anatadaephobics Anonymous).  But disappear they did.  And what did The Creature Formerly Known As Goatmother, a/k/a 'GM', a/k/a The Pied Point-Pincher of HalfAsMuch, a/k/a 'DW', a/k/a 'DW-40' ask for in return?  A Cheeseburger.  One Cheeseburger.  With onions.  No calories.  Count free.  With Onion Rings.  Count free Onion Rings.  With Ketchup.  The goats offered to pay her in precious Peanuts, but she would have none of it.  She wanted a Cheeseburger.  With onions.  And Onion Rings.  And Ketchup.  There is something wrong with this. 

I suppose it all came out right in the end, but in my opinion one should never trust anyone with that many aliases.  And besides, what kind of idiot turns down Peanuts for a Cheeseburger?  Well, it is just a story.  Still, what did happen to those ducks?  Wait.  What is that?  Do you hear quacking?